Post by Spotty001 on Apr 3, 2011 16:54:33 GMT -5
An essay-like article I'm doing over Spring Break for my satire project in English. It's due tomorrow 
Background - Just so everyone gets it - I live in a really ruddy place. Even though there's not much crime, no gangs, no bad stuff happening, the people of this town are absolutely terrible. Lake Zirich was named one of the best places to grow up in the country, but I don't see why. EVERYONE here is insanely rude. They cut you off when driving, stare at you, embarass you and ostracize you because they know you don't fit in here. Which is why I'm so glad I'm graduating and leaving this coming fall. So I'm doing a parody of this town for an english project.
So without further ado....
Readers, you cannot fathom the complexities of this article and the circumstances of its writing. I say to you now, beware the information below, for it is the truth. Should you come across the residents of Cubic Zirconia, be prepared to face the worst mocking, scornful, disdainful and disrespectful community you will ever have to experience.
Population and People
Of the 21,000 estimated residents, only three percent of those are actually decent, ‘honest-to-god’, ‘shirt-off-your-back’ people. The other 97 % dislike anyone not born there. Such residents take pride in ostracizing new comers, and most often succeed in making the lives of outsiders a living hell. For those unfortunate individuals exposed to such atrocities, I wish you the best of luck in finding a way out of there. Of the aforementioned ninety-seven percent, twenty-five percent are not knowledgeable of their obnoxious influence on people around them, and the effect they have on such individuals. Thus, the remaining seventy-two percent are entirely aware of their mean-ness and take pleasure in the suffering of others, whether they caused it or not.
Cubic Zirconians often fall into one of several categories and classes. The decent people are just that. They care quite a bit about each other, and not a lot about themselves, which makes their lives more fulfilling and meaningful. These people are rare, and as previously stated, make up only three percent of the population. The second type of residents commonly seen in Cubic Zirconia, are the ‘Nice-but-not-really’ crowd. These people appear to be friendly, but soon betray any trust and ties with newcomers. The most common type of residents are the ‘Get-out-of-my-way-I’m-far-more-important-than-everyone-else’ horde. These scum of the Cubic run amok in town, staring down everyone in their path, and pushing aside beings they deem lesser than themselves.
Social Habits
Of the many social habits and customs of the beings of Cubic Zirconia, none are more ridiculous and costly than the worship of the infamous Tanning Bed. Residents all over the community visit houses of the Tanning Bed at least once a week, if not more. These people spend their time tanning themselves, and worshipping this all-powerful symbol of popularity. Their orange skin is a constant reminder of the time spent praying and relaxing with the aid of the Tanning Bed, in the hopes of becoming more noticeable. To these people, the Tanning Bed is the higher power they’ve been searching for. To please their peers and the almighty economy, Zirconians will go to any length to visit the Tanning Bed and receive its blessing, regardless of costs and risks to personal health.
The social behaviors of the residents of Zirconia do not vary very often from person to person. The most common occurrence plaguing the town today is what is known among researchers as “The Zirconian Stare’. This emotionally-scarring disease affects nearly everyone in town. Symptoms of this virus include, but are definitely not limited to – mean looks among community members, general rudeness, and snobbishness. This disease is highly contagious, especially in its final stage. The ailment is named because of its primary symptom – people giving other people really nasty looks. This symptom begins with two people in any situation crossing each others’ paths, or when a Cubic Zirconian is faced with any foreign circumstance or person. The result is the Zirconian curling up their lip and staring, giving the victim the feeling of embarrassment, and above all, being unwelcome. Some Zirconians do not exhibit this trademark symptom, and instead just plain stare.
Another common occurrence among the town is false friendliness. Initially, friendliness and community behavior is seen in places of worship or at social events. However, looks are deceiving, as town members are rarely ever sincere in their sociability. An all too common happening at places of worship is the exchange of peace with the inevitable sneer.
On The Road
Relating to the false friendliness of Cubic Zirconians, the driving habits also mirror more complex social behaviors. After religious and social events, Zirconians will often display aggression, and cut each other off while driving home. Car horns honk a symphony of road rage, signaling the release of these demons. Once on the road, the fighting gets worse. Not only are people cutting each other, but they are also speeding, running red lights, stopping at stop signs at the last minute, and tail-gating. All of these are despicable ways to get where they want to go, showing their nonexistent concern for the safety of others, and sometimes even themselves.
Another issue with these reckless drivers is the astounding use of their hands. Not only can they talk, text, listen to music, and kind of pay attention to the road, they also manage to somehow have enough fingers left to stick a certain one up and ruin someone else’s day. Talk about talent.
I sincerely hope none of you ever encounter these atrocities caused and supported by the residents of Cubic Zirconia. For if you do, I certainly hope you are prepared to ‘run like hell’ and get out of there as fast as humanly possible. If you wish to stay, then I have warned you to the best of my ability and hope you realize that you have much to endure. And also much to learn about reading articles and learning something from them.
Background - Just so everyone gets it - I live in a really ruddy place. Even though there's not much crime, no gangs, no bad stuff happening, the people of this town are absolutely terrible. Lake Zirich was named one of the best places to grow up in the country, but I don't see why. EVERYONE here is insanely rude. They cut you off when driving, stare at you, embarass you and ostracize you because they know you don't fit in here. Which is why I'm so glad I'm graduating and leaving this coming fall. So I'm doing a parody of this town for an english project.
So without further ado....
Readers, you cannot fathom the complexities of this article and the circumstances of its writing. I say to you now, beware the information below, for it is the truth. Should you come across the residents of Cubic Zirconia, be prepared to face the worst mocking, scornful, disdainful and disrespectful community you will ever have to experience.
Population and People
Of the 21,000 estimated residents, only three percent of those are actually decent, ‘honest-to-god’, ‘shirt-off-your-back’ people. The other 97 % dislike anyone not born there. Such residents take pride in ostracizing new comers, and most often succeed in making the lives of outsiders a living hell. For those unfortunate individuals exposed to such atrocities, I wish you the best of luck in finding a way out of there. Of the aforementioned ninety-seven percent, twenty-five percent are not knowledgeable of their obnoxious influence on people around them, and the effect they have on such individuals. Thus, the remaining seventy-two percent are entirely aware of their mean-ness and take pleasure in the suffering of others, whether they caused it or not.
Cubic Zirconians often fall into one of several categories and classes. The decent people are just that. They care quite a bit about each other, and not a lot about themselves, which makes their lives more fulfilling and meaningful. These people are rare, and as previously stated, make up only three percent of the population. The second type of residents commonly seen in Cubic Zirconia, are the ‘Nice-but-not-really’ crowd. These people appear to be friendly, but soon betray any trust and ties with newcomers. The most common type of residents are the ‘Get-out-of-my-way-I’m-far-more-important-than-everyone-else’ horde. These scum of the Cubic run amok in town, staring down everyone in their path, and pushing aside beings they deem lesser than themselves.
Social Habits
Of the many social habits and customs of the beings of Cubic Zirconia, none are more ridiculous and costly than the worship of the infamous Tanning Bed. Residents all over the community visit houses of the Tanning Bed at least once a week, if not more. These people spend their time tanning themselves, and worshipping this all-powerful symbol of popularity. Their orange skin is a constant reminder of the time spent praying and relaxing with the aid of the Tanning Bed, in the hopes of becoming more noticeable. To these people, the Tanning Bed is the higher power they’ve been searching for. To please their peers and the almighty economy, Zirconians will go to any length to visit the Tanning Bed and receive its blessing, regardless of costs and risks to personal health.
The social behaviors of the residents of Zirconia do not vary very often from person to person. The most common occurrence plaguing the town today is what is known among researchers as “The Zirconian Stare’. This emotionally-scarring disease affects nearly everyone in town. Symptoms of this virus include, but are definitely not limited to – mean looks among community members, general rudeness, and snobbishness. This disease is highly contagious, especially in its final stage. The ailment is named because of its primary symptom – people giving other people really nasty looks. This symptom begins with two people in any situation crossing each others’ paths, or when a Cubic Zirconian is faced with any foreign circumstance or person. The result is the Zirconian curling up their lip and staring, giving the victim the feeling of embarrassment, and above all, being unwelcome. Some Zirconians do not exhibit this trademark symptom, and instead just plain stare.
Another common occurrence among the town is false friendliness. Initially, friendliness and community behavior is seen in places of worship or at social events. However, looks are deceiving, as town members are rarely ever sincere in their sociability. An all too common happening at places of worship is the exchange of peace with the inevitable sneer.
On The Road
Relating to the false friendliness of Cubic Zirconians, the driving habits also mirror more complex social behaviors. After religious and social events, Zirconians will often display aggression, and cut each other off while driving home. Car horns honk a symphony of road rage, signaling the release of these demons. Once on the road, the fighting gets worse. Not only are people cutting each other, but they are also speeding, running red lights, stopping at stop signs at the last minute, and tail-gating. All of these are despicable ways to get where they want to go, showing their nonexistent concern for the safety of others, and sometimes even themselves.
Another issue with these reckless drivers is the astounding use of their hands. Not only can they talk, text, listen to music, and kind of pay attention to the road, they also manage to somehow have enough fingers left to stick a certain one up and ruin someone else’s day. Talk about talent.
I sincerely hope none of you ever encounter these atrocities caused and supported by the residents of Cubic Zirconia. For if you do, I certainly hope you are prepared to ‘run like hell’ and get out of there as fast as humanly possible. If you wish to stay, then I have warned you to the best of my ability and hope you realize that you have much to endure. And also much to learn about reading articles and learning something from them.
